My husband should be able to find a decent job...one that would enable me to work part time so I can pick my kids up after school and attend cheer practice with Lu and volleyball with Birdie.
I should be able to replace the crappy carpet in our living room because it is about a million years old AND it is mauve - the color of "old", *shudder*, plus it's just gross. Mauve carpet should never, never, never, ever be put in a room that has cherry paneling (even if it is real cherry paneling) for a wall.
I should have a car that works.
I should be able to take my kids clothes shopping and be able to give them the birthday present I promised I'd them them "as soon as dad is working".
DAMMIT!! I should be able to take a DAMN VACATION MORE THAN ONCE IN 14 FUCKING YEARS!!!!
*sigh*
I shouldn't have to worry constantly about being able to afford gas for our (sort of) working truck.
I shouldn't have to worry about how we will be able to afford heat this winter (let alone Christmas).
I should be able to buy my family a damn turkey for Thanksgiving.
I should be able to give my daughters proper furniture and decent beds to sleep in.
All of this used to be affordable for the middle class. Now...since the middle class pretty much no longer exists, we face the reality of just being grateful we aren't on the streets this month. I can actually understand some of the murder/suicides I'm seeing on the news these days. The pervasive cloud of hopelessness that things will never be what I hoped they would be, that I will never be able to do what I hoped to is absolutely oppressive.
I'm trying to see the bigger picture though, because in the grand scheme of things, we don't really have it at all bad. We have food (and lots of it!), we have shelter, we have each other, and we have our health. I am concerned about Tall's surgery this coming Monday, but it is fairly routine and he should be able to recover within a couple of days (laparoscopic surgery - a true wonder of the modern age!). My only health issue is my teeth. I have two cracked molars that aren't getting any better and I can't really afford to have crowns put in the way I need to...so, I keep putting it off. But then, I keep thinking "that's the same thing that guy in 'Castaway' did and he wound up removing his tooth himself with a rock and an ice skate blade", ACK!
The truth is, we have it better than about 70% of the rest of the world's population. We don't have to dig through the local dump to find clothing/food/etc. My kids are in an excellent school (#2 in the state! top 6% of the country!). Tall and I actually love each other and are working with each other to get through this. So while things feel completely out of control and it feels like we are in free fall over the side of an unimaginably dark abyss, we're actually doing ok. There is no debtor's prison in the US. We have not had to endure any major natural disasters (fire, flood, tsunami, earthquake, etc). All things considered, we're doing great.
It just seems a horridly crappy joke that for two people to work as hard and long as we have, to have given so much to change our situation (Tall going back to school, etc), that nothing seems to made any good difference, that we're actually worse off than when we started. So, what was it all for?
I'm just feeling sorry for myself...and I really know better than that.
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