So we tell them, "everything is fine," and "if you need it, we'll find a way to make it happen," and "let's be creative instead." Needless to say, these tactics are getting old because it feels to all of us like we've been living this way forever. In reality, it's only been about the last 5 years or so of seriously scrimping and shuffling bills, though, I can't actually recall a time we've ever had disposable income.
Last night, Birdie (our 12 year old) and I are chatting away and suddenly, she gets a really serious look on her face and says, "Mom, are we going bankrupt?" And there is - the arrow to the heart. She knows.
My fear is that she will think we are awful people because we can't pay our bills. That all the years of drumming the "responsibility" beat into her head, she will think we are hypocrites because we now cannot live up to our own responsibilities...that she will look at us and see us as the failures we actually are, not the super-hero mom and dad we have duped ourselves into thinking she sees.
"Why do you ask?"
"Because I was looking for a cool website I visited earlier today and saw 'Bankruptcy Forums' in the web history. What is 'bankruptcy'?" Ratted out by my own computer. I knew I should have cleared the web browser. *sigh* That thing they say about kids knowing technology so much better than adults? TOTALLY TRUE (damn it).
"Well...," and how can you answer a question like that without lying and without alarming your kid? I said, "It is something that Dad and I are talking about but I don't want you to worry because we have everything we need and things are coming together." I hope she doesn't hear me crying at night because of all the massive uncertainties in our lives.
"Will I have to sell my bed? 'Cause I don't mind, I can feel the springs in my back and it hurts!" And she can...she's had the same cheap mattress we got for her 11 years ago and now I feel truly awful because all I want to do is make sure she feels cared for and in this very practical thing, I have failed. It's like a twisting knife in my gut.
"Things will get better, Sweetie. Before long, we'll be able to upgrade your bed. It's just really...difficult right now. Hang in there."
"It's alright, Mom. I can pad it with extra blankets. I'll be fine for now." Then she hugs me lightly but still tight enough to squeeze out some tears on my part. I wipe them away quickly but not fast enough...
"Awww...don't cry, Mom! Here...look at this..." and she twists her face all up with her tongue sticking out and her eyes crossed all funny...how can I not laugh?!?
"What's THAT face," I ask through a giggling smile as a tear I missed drips off my chin into my lap.
"It's the face of exquisite happiness that is somewhat confused by a weird looking squash!" I love that girl!
In the end, though, it has been good to let the kids in a bit about our financial situation. It brings out a truly loving side to them I'm not sure would surface if we had money to buy them everything we wanted to. It also helps alleviate their fears of uncertainty...actually knowing what is going on instead of imagining what might be going on.
They are more helpful around the house, they are working very hard on being patient with each other and there is more kindness in general than there used to be. Not having everything you want makes you appreciate what you have more and while that seems like a serious "well DUH!" kind of statement, it isn't something inherent in the US today. Commercials/TV/Media/Movies are all about telling us that the Middle Class has all kinds of great things like, beautiful homes and working cars and a college savings fund plus lots of disposable income so the whole family can go to Disney every. single. year!
Not this Middle Class family. Our vacations happen in our house on Friday nights when we splurge on a $1 RedBox movie and frozen pizza with store brand ice cream for dessert.
At least we have each other. :)
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